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you're dumber than i thought :iconfusedmeth:fusedmeth 1 5
so - i give up.
this is how to make a god: you find something beautiful, imprison it in your mind, wrap it in fluttering, rag-edged scarves of memory, limn it with gold and place it on an alter... and you've deitified it.
i'm going to cut my hair and hide beneath the false skins of animals clothe myself in your metaphors and hide in my grandmother's house and in my father's shadow and really now please don't tell me how the story ends, baby.
i don't know where i'm going anymore.
i just ordered a good fourth of rise record's mailorder catalog with money i picked from some mean douchebag. i am no robin hood but i will defend the honor of those i love with due revenge (and added benefits for me)
damn this weather is just bringing my allergies back - i'm coughing up colors and my throat is tight and today i wanted to say something to her but i really didn't know what there was to say. what t
:iconfusedmeth:fusedmeth 1 0
i am a crouched gargoyle wrapped in dark cloth, a lean sliver of compressed bone and flesh rendered in cathedral granite, quavering like an autumn leaf, eyes wide as october moons. my father looks me in the face and asks once for my forgiveness, and i give it to him with every last bit of energy in me, but i see nothing in his eyes.
his face, though, is as tight with determination as any blue-collar dockman of new york.
i think my mother is on some new kind of meds or something, i have no idea, 'cause today she asked me if i wanted to go to a glcc youth meeting down in ft. lauderdale. and i just kinda stared and gaped because this is not the woman i know. i mean, she still can't comprehend the whole genderqueer thing, the fact that there's a few days or hours or whatever out of ever month or two months or something that i'm more comfortable wearing boxers and low-slung baggy jeans and loose shirts and ace bandages rather than skinny jeans and tight-zippered hoodies.
but hey, we're
:iconfusedmeth:fusedmeth 1 1
take me with you.
if it all turns out just to be doomed love and unrequited limerence and false hope, i still want it. i want streets at night, wind and rain, no one wondering where i am. i want to press you against building walls and bite your lips even as passerbys gawk and hiss between clenched teeth. even if there's pain and emptiness and stumbling broken curses, i still want it all. i'll take the hurt right alongside the spare happiness (there's so little love left in the world - even if whatever this... thing i'm feeling isn't and you don't in return, i can pretend it is).
i'll tell you another secret: i'm tough and stubborn, i hide almost every emotion behind carefully-composed masquerades (to the point i haven't been able to cry in 3 years - oh, i wish i was able to again) and i fuck people like they're nothing to me and i use them and hurt them without a care in the world... but not you. i don't wanna use you. you've done things, seen things bad as i have and i think th
:iconfusedmeth:fusedmeth 2 0
Mature content
d :iconfusedmeth:fusedmeth 2 1
c is for -
...commitment. i'll do anything to have you, to keep you. it sounds so weird at the back of my throat, but - i guess i love you.
last night: we were kissing and you tasted like stale smoke and beauty and warmth and… love. lust? i dunno. you tasted wet, like food that was too spicy but i couldn’t stop eating. wouldn't want to, anyhow.
you are the fixed point in my sky, my polaris – i can’t see around you, can’t see anything but you.
:iconfusedmeth:fusedmeth 3 3
i dream of some bukowskian otherworld where five dollars will buy me more than just a pack of cigarettes.
shutthefuckupireallylikeyou. please. girl you’re a spectacle a ghost you’re the most amazing beautiful thing i’ve ever seen i don’t wanna hear you speak we’re huddling together in the backseat for warmth and i’m shaking so bad, you smoking out the window and shit. your hand moves to the back of my head and cards through my hair your fingertips catching on my spine and i’m trembling so hard i can barely breathe, when was the last time i felt like this – you render me so paralyzed so isolated so motivated so captivated. and suddenly my lips are on your throat and the world tastes like nicotine and body heat –
i crumple under the weight of my own skin.
i don’t know if it was because he got back in the car or if you really wanted me to stop, but you pull away and i move to the other side of the backseat, dizzy-headed, too tongue
:iconfusedmeth:fusedmeth 2 5
houses of cards could never compare to you, despite fifty-two chances of immortality, hidden in your palm. balance out morality and christian sin, slap my secular love and rampant lust on the scales, too, and neither side will come out on top.
every time i'm around you - i wanna say something so bad, but instead, i bite my tongue, swallow my words (i'm hesitant and foolish, as usual; teeth glued to my lips, nicotine fingertips twined in a hard knot of fists. i love you - even though i know it's wrong. i'm sorry). but now it's too late, your heart snagged in her web, a bird caught in a fine-toothed web - i don't wanna hurt anyone, neither her nor you.
i should have taken the jump i should have taken the chance should have taken you
:iconfusedmeth:fusedmeth 2 3
mreooow by fusedmeth mreooow :iconfusedmeth:fusedmeth 3 8 NEVER WANTED TO DANCE. by fusedmeth NEVER WANTED TO DANCE. :iconfusedmeth:fusedmeth 5 1
we stare at melted clocks.
slowly enough, i have realized again
that i cannot let you go - something more dangerous than the asbestos
my heart is carved of clings to you, unwilling to ever give in or give up.
i will not stop trying until i get you (which is likely never – but it is certainly not
a waste of time or energy))) and i cannot stop loving you
even after two entire years of rejection, sometimes, i still dream about you,
often enough, i write about you and i remember the slow drawl of
fingertips against my spine, the way you carved out my postmodern-architect
curling ribs and bony hips and the bitten shoulder-roll of my
high-strung passion and fleeting anger my tongue hides behind my teeth
coathanger collarbones and the hush of muted breath against my conchshell ears
and ohmyfuckinggod your lips pressed to my neck.
i also have a confession.
[i only fell for her because her eyes are almost the same color as yours.]
:iconfusedmeth:fusedmeth 2 2
bring me down and breakmeup. by fusedmeth bring me down and breakmeup. :iconfusedmeth:fusedmeth 1 6 sleeping lessons. by fusedmeth sleeping lessons. :iconfusedmeth:fusedmeth 1 10
there's no angels here.
i'm sitting here, shaking in my rain-damp clothes. the shadows from outside my window slice my arms into a patchwork of shade and moon(-light? -shine? i don't know anymore, i just wanna prove that you're carved of salt and vitriol. i'm weaving riddles again, aren't i? the spiders are crouching under darkness-smothered boardwalks) and it feels like my stomach is a fucking phonograph and my eyes are too loose in my skull and i can't stop trembling. i fucked up, i told you i didn't love you but now i'm so confused. it was instinctdenialfearpainpanic oh i don't know i don't knooooow persephone and hades had their pomegranates we have [insert name of produce here].
:iconfusedmeth:fusedmeth 3 5
                 “...year after year, to sweep through us all.
                  Just as you have swept through me.
                  Just as I now sweep through you.
                  I’m sorry, I have nothing left.”
                  “I took my morning walk, I took my evening walk, I ate something,
                  I thought about something, I wrote something, I napped and dreamt
:iconfusedmeth:fusedmeth 2 0
o joy. by fusedmeth o joy. :iconfusedmeth:fusedmeth 1 13

Random Favourites

barely there by Rockefeller barely there :iconrockefeller:Rockefeller 83 32
it's dark out
You say “I want to stop crying,” but you haven’t cried in twelve weeks.
You don’t drink anymore.
I find chunks of hair, chunks of hair that are bleeding words that can’t be spoken.
You tell me “I know what I’m doing,” and I believe you because I will never stop believing you.  I will never stop believing you and your nicotine patches and your dehydration and your sleeping pills.
You are sitting in the bathtub with your clothes on and you are asking me for scissors and I am giving them to you because I believe you.
You are snipsnipsnipping patterns and dreams and too many hallucinations into your head.
You say, “Someday this’ll sink in down here,” and you press your finger to your temple but I know you mean your mind.
There’s a ten-inch TV set in the bathroom.
You smashed the one in the living room on that night that we don’t like to remember.
There’s a ten-inch TV set in the bathroom from that day when you
:iconremotecontrolisms:remotecontrolisms 0 2
today, i did nothing.
every fucking song, man
my eyes would be swimming in
i am clutching anticipation tightly against my chest
my fists are battered battered battered
i think that love is curled up under a table,
wooden shelf pressed to its ear,
your voice pressed to the other,
sweating and breathing too heavy
(sometimes i wonder what you'd say if i saw you,
while driving around my clanging cart and humming a song no one knows anymore.)
[but then the high wears off and i realize i never gave a shit in the first place.]
:iconremotecontrolisms:remotecontrolisms 4 3
untitled or something
“i’m sick of it,” i say and i mean it; the words taste hard and real and true on my tongue, trampling the edges of my lips.  
“i am sick of it and i want everything back.”
you are shining your shoes with one hand and breathing cancer in deep with the other, puff puff puffing; you look up at me.  
“even the wine?” you ask, eyes so brown brown brown, and that’s not what i meant, but it’s a surrender.  
we are in your car and i am not sure why you’re still here.
there is shoe polish staining your fingertips.  “blood,” you say. “battle wounds.”
“where are we going?” i ask; left-turn-right-turn-left-turn-right is curing my insomnia but the goddamn timing is always so inconvenient.  i force back a yawn.
i don’t know how to get there from where we are but i would never tell you that.
“colorado,” you say a little louder becau
:iconremotecontrolisms:remotecontrolisms 4 8
coffee shops, sidewalk stops.
once you asked me if I spoke in miracles
and once I asked you if you read time like you
could read me.
once I believed in ashes that smelled like roses
and rings around shadows around tree trunks
around dying grass but you told me
"everything's a mask, everything's a mask"
and I never believed anyone else when they told
me that the real world is real and that fairies and
mermaids and dragons are fake because
you knew, somehow, that lying was easier than
telling the truth, even if they were our own
excuses for sincerity. somehow,
you knew that truth would affect me more.
I never wasted time trying to convince you that
you were right, but you knew when you were wrong.
besides, I was never one for politics but I was always
one for change. change in surroundings, of course, but in retrospect,
I've learned that people don't change; they simply grow
and learn and sometimes, they degenerate. once, you asked me
why I'd decided this and I told you that if I'd become a model
or an artist or a
:iconmiss-momentum:miss-momentum 9 22
BEAUTIFUL GIRLS by Akutou-san BEAUTIFUL GIRLS :iconakutou-san:Akutou-san 174 75
on variables.
you stared at my paper in shock.
“3x + 5y = 16,” it said. “8x = 16.
“you can’t add x and y,” you said.
“they’re different; they don’t belong together.”
what does that say about us? I wondered.
I grabbed the pen from your hand and changed the y to a sharp x.
“there,” I said, “perfect. now they’re the same.”
you looked at me sadly and shook your head.
“you can’t change a variable from a y to an x,”
you said.
“it just can’t be done.”
“let’s make both of them hearts,” I said.
“love plus love equals more love. if I’m
5 hearts and you’re 3 hearts, who has more love
for the other?”
“the only way that would work was if both coefficients
were zero,” you said, and ripped the paper in half.
:iconerlebnisse:Erlebnisse 8 29
can you promise me. by boobookittyfuck can you promise me. :iconboobookittyfuck:boobookittyfuck 254 26 when you finish talking. by boobookittyfuck when you finish talking. :iconboobookittyfuck:boobookittyfuck 412 44 handmade buddies. by gleeful-beast handmade buddies. :icongleeful-beast:gleeful-beast 9 15 the only hill by herhearts the only hill :iconherhearts:herhearts 20 4 the art of smoking a cigarette by peppinochus the art of smoking a cigarette :iconpeppinochus:peppinochus 3 13
hidden eyes were never much to tide me over, but I needed
to keep myself safe; so I hardly ever said anything, as much as I wanted to.
every time I looked at you, you were like a time-bomb waiting to be set off -
I wanted to know you, and I wanted to figure you out, before the hands on the
clock burnt to ashes and I was left with nothing but the insides of a pocket watch.
you've always been two thousand miles away even when you're standing next to me
and I wonder if you've ever been truly happy with the way you've lived or if you'd be happy leaving right now - and I just wish you'd say yes, you're fine, and mean it.
you've always been hard to read, a jigsaw on the inside, the inner-workings of a clock.
like time, you never waited, either.
:iconmiss-momentum:miss-momentum 5 17
kiss me like you mean it by RandyErdman kiss me like you mean it :iconrandyerdman:RandyErdman 1,908 194
at a glance
i fucking swear,
one day i'll wear
:iconremotecontrolisms:remotecontrolisms 2 3



United States

my name is sami.

i am a rockstar-sophisticate, composed of quivering papercut fingers calloused with gardening and stained with ink and typewriter keys, hourglassed by lean shoulders and protruding hips and scalloped ribs, curling bones and open kiss of bellybutton. i have more paper than i do sanity. my eyes are a few shades darker than my messy hair, a near-black, smoldering corkchar, rimmed with inky eyeliner and some neon shade of shadow.

i’m a painter, photographer, a writer, graffiti artist, poet, renegade and romantic – one of those people who can stop certain moments, color them with a tiny word and bring your rigid heart to your knees (shit, didn’t even know it had knees, did you? i’ll sprinkle it with pepper and feed it to you in the face of a hunger you never knew you had). i’m the one sitting in the corner at a slow rolling boil drinking ginger ale. i’m the broken teeth of hockey players and the grit under a street kid’s nails; i drop my cans and pick up my paintbrushes easily as a snake shedding skin.

know this: nothing in life is free. i have the heart of a robot, asbestos-carved core, steel-wired circuitry and lackluster peeling gloss. people will shoot you down as soon as you try to stand up. i've been crucified, burned, beaten.

and i always get back up on my feet.

Current Residence: south florida.
Favourite genre of music: hardcore, techno, alt, psych, ambient, doom, indie acoustic.
MP3 player of choice: iPod classic, turntable, CD player, cassette player and mixtapes.
Personal Quote: "if you love and need the same person, you'll go insane."


Journal Entry: Mon Mar 16, 2009, 5:03 PM

my god i've lost her.

stanki nashti chi arakenpe manushen shai - damnit, how can you say you don't like me? we barely know each other (and there's the xonxano baro, the great perhaps, the biggest paradox). and we fucked anyways. five days after we met. the day she broke up with her girlfriend and then i slept over her house and i got too attached AND THIS NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED. EVER.


i just wanna be held right now.

  • Listening to: chemistry of a car crash - shiny toy guns.


:iconcockmonger: :iconmiss-momentum: :iconerlebnisse: :iconremotecontrolisms: :icongleeful-beast: :iconafterflight: :iconbecbecmuffin: :iconshriker:


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becbecmuffin Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2010  Student Writer
Lucky Team Gaga
WWrI Featured By Owner Apr 14, 2009
Hello, Sami. In case you haven't heard, Mrs. Berard's Creative Writing club was anceled for the rest of the year. This was created to replace it. please read the journal and join.
please and thank you
awesomosity Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2009   Writer
fusedmeth Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2009
o y hello thar. have we met before?
awesomosity Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2009   Writer
you watched, so i wanted to say thank you for liking my poems. if you want to read my newer stuff, you should check out my ficpost, the link is in my journal. (:
fusedmeth Featured By Owner Jan 7, 2009
Awww, quite welcome. <3 And yeah, totally!
miss-momentum Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2008
thanks for the watch, love.
fusedmeth Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2008
psssht, eternally welcome. bitte, dearheart.
miss-momentum Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2008
fusedmeth Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2008
-gigglewiggles and makes happy cat noises-
(1 Reply)
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